Here To Help

People often get in touch asking for my advice.

Rob: Dear Good Egg Network, my wife wants to paint our new nursery Duck Egg Blue, but I have my heart set on Coastal Grey, any advice? Should we just go for something more in the middle, like Nordic Sky or Blue Lagoon? Thanks.

GEN: Hiya Rob. If I’ve learned anything from my own marriage, it’s that you should never, ever, under any circumstances, compromise. However noble your intentions might be, by trying to meet her halfway, this will only be seen as appeasement in her camp. So while you might return waving your agreement in the air, declaring that it’s peace in our time, she’ll already be planning her push into Poland and ordering a five litre can of Sumptuous Plum for the downstairs bathroom.

Happy marriages are not based on compromise, they are based on a grudging respect for the other party, and this can only be achieved via conflict. With that in mind, you should never see yourselves as a united front, rather two independent nations who currently have an ongoing pact as your objectives happen to align. But make no mistake, this 'ally' will turn on you at the first sniff of weakness. So you need to steel yourself Rob, and dig in on your positions. She will probe your defences, but never budge an inch, however innocuous the dispute might seem; from choosing the colour of your nursery, to deciding which cleaning products to purchase for the downstairs loo. To ensure a long and happy marriage, you will need to fight her on the bleaches, you will fight her over the dressing gowns, you will fight her over the meals you eat, you will fight her over the bills, and you shall never surrender.

Hope that helps.

Ben: Hello mate, sorry to bother you, but I think my wife might be having an affair.

It all began when we moved house and met our new neighbour John. At first I hit it off with John, and would invite him round for barbecues and to watch the football - I felt sorry for him as his own wife had died some years earlier, following a pedalo collision on a local lake - but it wasn’t long before John was getting on my nerves. It was just little things, like he'd insist on cheering for whichever football team was playing from left-to-right on the television, religiously swapping sides at half time, or he’d take the tongs out of my hand to flip his own burgers, claiming I wasn't turning them regularly enough, even though I was following the exact instructions on the back of the packet, and when I'd point this out to him he'd just shrug and pretend he couldn't read it without his glasses.

As far as I was concerned, I was happy to cool my friendship with John and stop seeing him altogether. However, my wife would still insist on inviting John round all the time, saying stuff like, ‘Oh come on, it’s New Year’s Eve, John will be upset if he’s not invited,’ or, ‘It’s Pancake Day, John’s probably hungry,’ or there was that time she threw a Diwali party for John, even though I know for a fact he's Presbyterian.

Then, a few months later, I came home early from work and found John lying naked on my bed.

I demanded to know what on earth he was doing, but John just tried to change the subject, asking if I’d ever be interested in buying a brand new Kia Sorento for fifteen thousand pounds (John runs the Kia dealership in town). Convinced I was being cuckolded, I hunched down into my Neko Ashi Dachi karate stance, and prepared to engage John physically, aware that all the videos say you need to gain the upper hand as quickly as possible (in this case before John could reach for his glasses), when suddenly my wife stepped out of the wardrobe. She also began screaming at John and asked him what he was doing in our room, telling him to put his clothes back on and to leave our house immediately, returning our spare key on his way out. Now I didn't know what to think, as my wife did seem genuinely surprised to find John there, however she was also naked, and I don’t remember us ever giving John a spare key.

It's been six months since I found John in my bed, and I keep telling myself it was just a big misunderstanding, but am I being naive? Should I confront them both about it next week? (My wife's invited John round to celebrate something called Kwanzaa.) Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

G.E.N: Hi Ben, if I were you I would get that deal locked in ASAP - £15,000 for a brand new Kia Sorento represents excellent value. Did he mention if it comes with the ventilated front seats? Worth pushing if not. Best of luck.