Celebrity Interviews

A collection of conversations I've had with various famous people.

Sir David Attenborough

G.E.N: Sir David, you’ve spent the past seventy years showcasing the amazing wildlife on planet earth, but if you had to pick just one animal as your favourite, which would it be?

D.A: Goodness. Well, as you can imagine, I am actually asked this question rather frequently. And yet, I still find it tremendously difficult to choose just one. However, I must admit that I do hold a very special place in my heart for the Yellow-headed Day Gecko, which can only be found on the island of Madagascar. It lives in the remote bamboo forests, in the North East of the country, and it has the most wonderful, iridescent colouring running along the length of its spine, to the very tip of its nose. And, I must say, for the record, they’re also absolutely delicious.

G.E.N: You’ve eaten one?

D.A: I have been fortunate enough to try them on numerous occasions, yes. Whenever we’ve filmed on the island.

G.E.N: Are they like a local delicacy or something?

D.A: No, not that I’m aware of.

G.E.N: …so why did you eat one?

D.A: Ah, well, you see, for as long as I can remember, I’ve always insisted on a clause in my contract that affords me the opportunity to try any of the animals we might have encountered during filming that day.

G.E.N: …right. As in -

D.A: Naturally, when I was a much younger man, I would simply wait for the director to call cut and then sprint forward, attempting to catch any animals I could with my bare hands. But, regrettably, those days are now long behind me. Instead, in recent years, the production team have equipped me with a motorised wheelchair, and a large net, and when the cameras stop rolling I’ll simply drive into the middle of the scene and see if I’m able to swipe anything for supper. The key is to target the older and weaker animals, at the periphery of the herd, chasing them toward a friendly soundman who might corral them back your way.

G.E.N: Are there any animals you’d refuse to eat?

D.A: I remember filming in Ecuador, documenting the Pinta Giant Tortoise, and finding out, during the shoot, in fact, that these two magnificent creatures, happily grazing in front of us, were thought to be the last two living examples of their entire species. And so, understandably, I did release one of them back into the wild.

G.E.N: One of them?

D.A: I'm afraid they were declared extinct not long after our visit. Alas, yet another dark day for the world.

G.E.N: Do you fear for our world in years to come?

D.A: Yes, I dearly do. You only need take the rainforests, for example. It’s not difficult to make the analogy that these incredible environments act like our planet’s lungs, and yet by continually chopping down this vital habitat, we’re effectively suffocating ourselves.

G.E.N: And when do -

D.A: And by raising the temperature of the seas and oceans, through our relentless addiction to fossil fuels, we’re essentially boiling our own blood.

G.E.N: And wh -

D.A: Then I guess the clouds might be our hair. The rocks could be our bones. Maybe a volcano for a mouth.

G.E.N: Yeah, do - as you near your one-hundredth birthday, do you often find yourself thinking about your own mortality?

D.A: Perhaps not as often as one might think! No. I try to concentrate on all the things I would still like to achieve instead. That is, before I’m ushered off this mortal coil and gently led into the endless, eternal abyss.

G.E.N: Well if anyone ever deserved a grand state funeral, it would surely be you.

D.A: That’s very kind of you to say but, I must admit, I have never been one for pomp and circumstance. In fact, I’ve informed my family that I would prefer a simple, humanist ceremony instead. I envision my funeral taking place on a quiet beach somewhere, at sunset, with the music of Ladysmith Black Mambazo, from the Baked Beans commercial, playing softly in the background. Then, my body will be brought out, in front of the small congregation, and lowered into an enormous cannon, at which point I will be fired two hundred feet into the air and out into the ocean, as I make one final journey back to where it all started, back to the place where all human life originated, where biology and consciousness first came into existence. Then it's on to the buffet.

G.E.N: Sir David, thank you.

Fiona Bruce

G.E.N: Your Wikipedia page says that you’re fluent in both Italian and French-

FB: Ja.

GEN: But if you could only live in one of those countries, which would it be?

FB: Hmm, tough one. I do love parmesan cheese, but I also like the fact that France has its own nuclear arsenal which, if absolutely necessary, could be deployed in a pre-emptive strike. So let’s go with France.

G.E.N: While studying at Oxford university you-

FB: Actually Italy. Let’s go Italy. Forgot about mozzarella.

G.E.N: While studying at Oxford you were a self-proclaimed punk rocker and died your hair blue, but what’s the wildest thing you’ve ever done in your life?

FB: Ooh, I’m not sure I can say publicly! But it did happen at university, yes.

G.E.N: Can you maybe give us a hint at-

FB: (laughing) I mean I’d rather not! Let’s just say it involved a homeless chap, who did go on to make a full recovery.

G.E.N: …right. After graduating from university you worked in advertising. What do you think the greatest marketing slogan of all time is?

FB: It has to be the Rice Krispies one - Snap, Cackle and Pop.

G.E.N: Crackle and Pop.

FB: I think it’s Cackle, like a witch.

G.E.N: But isn’t it supposed to be the noise it makes when the milk is-

FB: Which one of us worked in advertising?

G.E.N: What’s the hardest thing about presenting the news?

FB: Probably when the cameramen try and put you off! You’ll be there talking about some famine in Africa, and Tony on camera one will be wiggling his finger out of his flies. It’s why Huw Edwards left in the end, he was fed up with all the practical jokes - whoopee cushions on his seat, salt in his tea, that sort of thing.

G.E.N: I thought he was forced to resign following a sex scandal?

FB: ...go on, I’m not familiar with this story - who was the woman involved?

G.E.N: It’s - I’ll send you a link to the article. Last couple of questions - what’s the best bit about presenting Antiques Roadshow?

FB: The money. Sorry, that probably sounds crass! But I don’t mean my BBC wages, I mean my finder’s fee.

G.E.N: Your finder’s fee?

FB: Well only a few people can be featured on the show each week, can’t they? So I’ll often wander around the event early doors and pick some people out myself, then say to them, ‘That’s a nice pot - would you like to get it valued on National Television?’ Naturally they’ll say yes, then I respond with ‘Great, I want 5% of whatever it turns out to be worth.’ It’s not like I’m making a fortune or anything, just enough to keep it interesting.

G.E.N: Final question, David Dimbleby hosted Question Time for 25 years, how long do you think you’ll host it for?

FB: Certainly not that long - I’ll be nearly 60! It is a fun show though, and I do look forward to being there every week. It’s just a shame we have to get all those c*nts in the audience involved.

G.E.N: Fiona, thank you for your time.

FB: Gesundheit.